south padre island

I got to take a mini-vacation this week. Because of the limited time, I decided to scoop my bff and hit the road. We drove six hours south to a tiny little island off the coast of Texas. Of all of the 'beaches' in this ginormous state, this is the only one that actually qualifies. It is beautiful and clean, even with the thousands of party-crazed youth that descend its beaches every spring break.



I love the water. Really. It heals me in ways that nothing else can. It is peaceful and hypnotizing. It is loud and volatile and quiet and serene all at the same time. I also love sunsets. They can produce a beauty that is solely its own... when the sky is painted with every shade of pink and purple and blue and gold and orange. I've heard that there are places that don't have sunsets like the ones we have in Texas and it makes me sad. I can not imagine my life without having that beauty, those memories, in it. Besides, everyone looks stunning bathed in the light of the fading sun. Everyone.

The combination of the two is enough to send me into my own private heaven. Here are just a few of the shots I captured while sitting on a blanket next to my bestie.

crash course in correspondence

I don't know what I'm doing. I guess. like everyone else, I want to feel like I have something to say. Like what I'm doing actually matters. I'm going to attempt to write something interesting, something emotional, something smart and witty and see what I can come up with. Wish me luck... or just read along as a I stumble through this journey.

a brief history - 2006

2006 started out calming down a crying friend, watching the desperation of a drunk woman without insurance try to spin her tire-free wheels free from the mess she had gotten herself into and cleaning red wine out of carpet.  Ah, yes.  New Year’s is always fun! 

January led me to New York where I instantly fell in love.  The city has a magic about it… from the tall buildings that speak volumes of history to the shimmering, sparkling sidewalks that do the same.  The trip started out with rainy mornings that turned sunny and warm to ending with several days of ice, sleet and snow!  I feel so fortunate to have gone with the absolute best travel companion in the world… there is no way I would have been able to experience half of what I did without her!  I loved every exhausting second of my journey there and can not wait for my return. 

February left me playing in more snow than I have ever lain eyes on in temperatures dipping well below extreme!  38 degrees below zero… isn’t that arctic or something?  Or something, I guess.  I learned to snowboard, taught someone to play poker and met tons of cats way cooler than me along the way. 

In March, my world changed drastically again… as it has a few times in the past year or two… when I moved into my apartment to live by myself for the first time in my adult life and got transferred from my job in the same week.  The latter of these two events put me on a very contemplative journey about where exactly I was headed and made me realize that it was not where I wanted to go… I made the decision to make another drastic change… one that was over seven years in the making. 

April led me to several new friendships, some of which I would like to keep for a long time.  I ended up breaking a lawnchair (that I would rather not discuss ;) ), drinking a lot and working less than I had in years. 

In May, I got a huge compliment from a former coworker, that has since moved on to celebrity status, by way of recommendation… I believe it was for the position of a ninja.  J   I finished up my tenure with my former employer and left without, not surprisingly, so much as a, “see ya,” and moved on my way.  

In June, I started my new gig with my new companion, John Walsh Walsh.  We had a lot of work to do but had a great time knocking it out.  It was an uphill battle for me from day one at the new digs but, it is really starting to level out and become a little easier.  It helps tremendously that I have some great people backing me up and being their fantabulous selves… making me seem not only not all bad but, maybe even kind of okay! 

July brought Tony along with his tons and tons of rain.  I like Tony.  I don’t like the rain as much.  And neither do the Fourth of July fireworks.  Booo.  I spent some time with a funny man and his dancing queen until way too late one morning and was so happy to see someone that I care so much about so deeply in love.  It really is a beautiful thing to witness.  I swear it wasn’t me that stole the corn!! 

August was supposed to bring another trip north to the windy city and the land of music at Lollapalooza.  Recent changes in personal finance just would not allow it.  Instead, Pio and I went to Port Isabel and spent a few days meeting and playing with his extended friends and family.  We had a blast even if Manu Chao, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Gnarls Barkley, Kanye West, Nickel Creek and countless other phenomenal musicians weren’t around.  That just means the line-up will be better when I am able to make it! 

I spent the better part of my birthday month partying as the Bistro’s opening date got closer and closer.  All the cool kids’ birthdays are in September… Seth, Rach, Ryan, Jerry, Jerry, me… so, I had a lot of good nights and great conversations during these 30 days.  Virgos rule.  I learned a new game that I love that almost forces me to stay true to me… 7 things.  We should play some time. 

Halloween for me this year was spent with the same person as last year but proved to be much calmer… I guess that just makes the memories that much better!  I was the green fairy in October and spent Halloween in a pretty chill mode with Miss.Cutie.Hotpants and her pistol and her recently imported friend Ally.  Ally reminds me of Frieda Khalo and that makes me happy. 

November left me visually impaired by a plant that had had enough.  It fought me and won.  I had no idea that tropical plants could be a.) so aggressive and b.) so mean.  Now I know.  

December brought a furious mix of emotion.  I got to witness a brilliant talent, the lovely Miss Suzanna Choffel, release her CD to a hungry and eager audience.  Her gift of music is an amazing inspiration and I can’t wait to see her exceed her dreams. 

I saw, perhaps for the first time, that youth is fleeting and escaping the family that I have always known.  I found out for sure that my brother is having a baby with one of my best friends.  I found out that my mother is now battling an extreme case of breast cancer.  I found out how important past relationships can be in times of need and what it is to be loved.  I found out, again, how much it hurts to be disappointed by the one you love.  I found out, again, how good it feels to be lifted up by the one you love.  2006 has been a hard run and I am confident that 2007 will bring new challenges, new heartaches and new growth.  I end 2006 with new hope, with new love, with new ambitions and with new goals.         

the shoes - a lesson in love and life

“There’s the turtle.”

“That’s not a turtle.”

Our friends Ryan, Seth and Tina had been in the water earlier and saw a sea turtle.  They yelled at those of us still at the campsite to let us know.  We put our suits back on and decided to join them in the marine life-infested water once again.  As we waded towards them, we saw our friend Ryan pointing at something in the water.  As soon as I said that what we were looking at wasn’t a turtle, I saw Ryan swimming towards some water shoes…shoes.  Something is wrong.  I notice Ryan’s face…he realizes, too.  He lunged to the left and dove into the water towards our “turtle.”  Jason, my husband, immediately started running through the water and paused by the shoes long enough to toss them to me and tell me to go call an ambulance.  There’s no way I can make it all the way back to shore in time.  I latched onto the shoes and turned to Seth, who had gone back to the shore when we came out, and his wife Crissy.  They were about twenty yards from me and about seven from each other.  Seth’s aunt Cindy was working her way into the water and both had turned to talk to her.  I tried to scream at them to run and call 911, but the fear had already set in.  I finally realized that I had been screaming in my head and consciously told myself to pull it together and yell.  I lost count on how many times I actually said it before I got a response, but it felt like a million.  I saw the look of shock as fear set into both of their faces and knew that they were finally on the same page as me. 

That thought is gone.  Back to the task at hand.  Get to them.  Do they need me?  What can I do?  I am CPR certified.  I can possibly save this person…can’t I?!  Oh, God, please don’t leave it to me.  Don’t leave me responsible for another human being.  I can do this.  Pull it together.  Take control of yourself.  Be strong.  My thoughts raced on.

I saw Ryan relentlessly struggling to pull this body out of the water and closer to where he could stand.  He was trying so hard, but the waves… the crashing waves.  The ones we were saying weren’t strong enough an hour earlier, were pulling him back with every progressive stroke he made.  I am seriously scared.  What if he goes under too?  Oh, God, please be with him right now.  Then, finally, Tina, Jason, Uncle Mike and some other guy were all there.  Mike had a wake board.  Oh, God, please let them be okay.  I started towards them to see if I could help and then decided I should go to the shore and wait until he’s closer…too many hands in the pot.  Besides, I will need all of my strength if I am going to try and resuscitate this person.  His head came out of the water and was completely lifeless.  Just hanging backwards, bobbing.  He stared blankly at me.  He looked green to me…pallid.  I immediately thought that he had been dead for a long time and just washed up on shore, but then…the shoes.  His shoes were in the water.  I am holding them.  This has to be a movie, some horrible TV show that won’t leave my view.  I can’t even turn my head and lose sight of the horrible image in front of me.  No.  It’s real.  There is a man either dead or dying ten feet in front of me.  I will have to touch him in a matter of seconds.  Run.  No.  I heard Crissy behind me; crying, screaming.  I turned

to her and she looked like she was losing it…she thinks he’s dead too.  She started towards them and then fell backwards into the water as if she was pushed… scared.  She called out to me and I turned again.  This time she was crying harder. 

“CHANDRE, wait for me!  Don’t leave!  Wait for me!”  I have known her for several years and have never, until or since, heard the desperate, horrified wail I heard at that moment.

I waited.  Fractions of seconds seemed like hours.  As I waited, I looked at Ryan.  He saw me and shook his head before averting his eyes downward looking defeated. 

She finally caught up to me and we walked hand-in-hand to the shore, calming each other.  I told her she had to pull it together…she had to be strong.  There was a woman at the edge of the shore screaming, crying and calling out to God that needed us right then to try and save this man’s life. 

We finally reached dry sand and I threw the shoes… his shoes… to the side, no longer needing them…no longer wanting to touch them.  I turned and waited.  The woman moved forward, still screaming, and I heard Tina, “He’s still conscious!”

Oh, my God!  He’s not dead?!!?!?  We can do this.

He’s still conscious!  He’s still conscious.  That’s all it took.  I moved towards the body not knowing what to do.  Put him down!  Let me get to him.  Wait.  Can I save him?  I am certified, but what if there’s someone better?  What if I give up or get tired or am not strong enough?  What then?  Can I live with myself if he doesn’t make it?  No.  No.

“Is anyone certified in CPR?”

The screaming woman jumped in.  “I am!  I am a nurse!” 

Oh, God.  Thank you.  I know that she will give every part of her being into saving this man’s life.  She will try until they pull her off of him… 

So, I stood and watched… and waited.  Waited for the vomit to stop.  Waited for the color to come back.  Waited for the gasp for breath.  Waited for the sirens.  Waited for the woman’s cries of relief.  Instead, I heard utter desperation, “Come on David!  Come on!  Breathe!  Breathe!”

Breathe.  Oh, God, please breathe.

People gathered around quickly.  They must have asked a thousand questions…a hundred a second it seemed.  “Who is he?  Who is he here with?  Where are his friends?  Was he swimming alone?”

SHUT-UP!  SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP!  Show some respect!  I wanted to scream at all of them.  I was so angry.  They were all just standing there.  Not doing anything to save him.  Just asking their stupid questions.  Just like me... Stop!!!  Embarrassed by my hateful thoughts towards these innocents, I muttered the only words I could muster, “She’s working on him.”

I heard Tina behind me counting… “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, breathe.”  Over and over and over. 

The sirens.  Oh, God, please be with him.  It is time for us to go.  Let them do their job.  I walked away and waited yet again; trembling to hear the news I had anticipated since I saw him in the water.  I was discouraged with my lack of confidence; disappointed with the time I wasted “training” to save someone’s life in a crisis.  I was utterly disgusted that

I took no real action.  This was a fellow human being!  He deserved my all and I gave him nothing!  I did nothing.

No one really talked much the rest of the day.  The sun went down and we all lay silently, pretending to sleep.  The images were overwhelming every time I closed my eyes.  I see him; his head in the water.  I see his blank eyes staring at me.  I see his moss green swimming trunks and his full belly.  I see him vomit foamy seawater as his body hits the sand.  He opens his mouth and sputters his own name.  “David.”  I am scared.  I see water rushing up and over me now, filling my lungs.  My eyes can not close.  There is no rest. 

Tina told me later that he wasn’t really conscious.  She had only said that to calm the screaming woman.  I didn’t tell her that it had calmed me as well.  I also didn’t tell her that she had done everything that I couldn’t.  I was exposed to death at the age of twelve when my best friend died in a car accident along with her grandmother and always thought I could handle any situation.  Though I had been exposed to “death” as it was defined to me several times since then, I had never seen life leave existence before this day.  It made me question everything about the life I had chosen and what I wanted for my future.  Religions, beliefs, practices, behaviors, emotions, fortunes and losses all came flooding over me.  It took me over six months to truly stop accepting personal blame for the events of the day. 

I think of David Keller every day of my life.  Not the way I did that first night, but in a softer light.  He reminded me of who I wanted to be when I had forgotten and showed me the beauty in the people that I surrounded myself with every day.  He would not allow me to take anything for granted and would eventually allow me emotional freedom.  Though I wish things had ended differently, they did not.  There is nothing I could have done or can do to change that.  I never imagined what kind of impact this would have on me and I thank him with every thought.  I owe him that at the very least.